Last year wasn’t a total non-event, there just wasn’t that much talking about. Kept working at SFR, kept going out at the weekends, kept following Scotland abroad, and kept going to Motherwell games.

The highlight of the past year has to be the trip to Paris with the Pineapple Tartan Army. The day of the game was perfect – woke up fresh as a daisy with no hangover, a fine steak, a tremendous booze under the Eiffel Tower in the sun, a historic march to the ground, and James McFadden’s 40-yard winner in the Parc des Princes, before celebrating afterwards!

The lowlight was probably features in the News of the World for singing to a horse. I say lowlight – I found it hilarious, but I guess not everyone would agree!

Anyway, the year ahead promises to be a blinder. I don’t have any particular reason for believing this - there’s not going to be any dramatic changes in life - I just have a very good feeling!

My attempts to actually eat my five-a-day of fruit and vegetables is going well, helped by the fact I’ve discovered my stunning hidden talent of being a tremendous smoothie maker! The year ahead will also see me become debt-free, learn to drive, get a car, see the Mighty Boosh Live, take in a few music festivals, travel to Macedonia and Iceland with the Pineapple Tartan Army, and keep living the weekend dream!

I’m actually quite excited about 2008.

Maybe it’s because it captures your mood of a certain moment perfectly without you realising it, or perhaps you have to listen to the song in a certain setting for it to really take hold without you properly noticing… It’s a mystery!

But for whatever reason, I am currently obsessed with “Talk Tonight” by Oasis. I’ve heard it loads and loads of times over the past twelve or thirteen years, but suddenly I find myself addicted.

It’s not a bad song to be addicted to either.

Sittin’ on my own
Chewin’ on a bone
A thousand million
Miles from home
When Something hit me
Somewhere right between the eyes

Sleepin’ on a plane
You know you can’t complain
You took your last chance
Once again
I landed, stranded
Hardly even knew your name

I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin’ light
‘Bout how you saved my life
You and me see how we are
You and me see how we are

All your dreams are made
Of Strawberry lemonade
And you make sure
I eat today
You take me walking
To where you played
When you were young

I’ll never say that I
Won’t ever make you cry
And this I’ll say
I don’t know why
I know I’m leavin’
But I’ll be back another day

I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin’ light
‘Bout how you saved my life
(You saved my life)
I wanna talk tonight
(I wanna talk tonight)
‘Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
‘Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
‘Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
‘Bout how you saved my life

I wanna talk tonight.

I have just returned from a disciplinary hearing at work and, although I’m not going to go into the details, it was a relative success from the “punishment” point of view. However, I don’t even get to enjoy the last Friday of my suspension tomorrow! Sad times!

Can’t really complain too much though. I’ve had, what’s turned out to be, almost five weeks paid leave and I’ve only got one day of work this week before the weekend! Then I’ve got work all next week before I’m off for a week and a half for Christmas!

I’ve also just had a wage rise, which is nice.

I think the count is now at around six phones. This time, I attempted to prove to Jonny the Kerr that my retro Nokia (which, itself, was a substitute phone for the Samsung I left on a train in Inverness) was in fact indestructible and could easily withstand swimming in a triple vodka and lemonade.

Alas, I was wrong. I am now left using a ridiculous looking Nokia from the mid-90s that could bludgeon someone to death. I have a theory that the first phone I ever bought (a bright orange brick thing) was just so ugly that it must have angered the Phone Gods who have been punishing me ever since. Either that, or I’m just incredibly stupid.

Anyway, a cheeky wee bid on a phone on eBay has just been fired in. The auction finishes in about 40 minutes. I’m so excited.

The latest chapter in my life, it would appear!

Let’s assess the story so far. In June 2006 I go into Glasgow, get hammered, and then find myself with no way home. Nothing abnormal there. I manage to find a bus to get on to, but unfortunately it heads to Ballieston, not my native Blantyre.

Luckily the driver is a nice chap and takes me as close to Blantyre as he possibly can – Glasgow Zoo (or at least where it used to be). And so, at 4am in the morning, I decide I have no other option but to walk home.

In my absinthe and vodka induced state I decide another humorous drunken video may be in the making, and so the journey begins on camera. A few opening lines about where I am, how drunk I am, and how I intend to get home are followed by me approaching some horses in a field and pleaded with them not to bite me.

A few moments later I decide to venture across the field – a short cut home. Of course, I have to stop for some banter with the horses first. And so begins the singing. You see, as a big Scotland fan and with England playing their first World Cup game the next day (against Paraguay) I, naturally, wanted England to get trounced. No, not racism, not xenophobia – simple football rivalry.

“We f*cking hate England!” was the song of choice. Unfortunately the horse didn’t appear to know the words. After that, the video was over. I put my phone back in my pocket and spent the next two hours walking home. It was only the next day that I remembered the video and showed it to a few friends.

“Haha, you’re melted!”, “That’s hilarious!”, “You’re a jake!”, and “Put that on MySpace!” were pretty much the comments received. And so I did. I uploaded the video to MySpace and forgot about it for about 18 months.

Fast forward to the end of October 2007, Halloween in fact. Myself, dressed as Old Gregg from the Mighty Boosh, and Ted, dressed as nothing of particular note, head to the Halloween Allnighter. Good night had by all. Got home about 7am and went to bed, with the Thursday morning off work (planned ahead you see!) and no need to be in til after lunch.

So I make it to work, do my few hours and head home. Only upon my return to the house I find some dodgy looking guy in a suit with half a tub of Brylcreem in his hair and a tape recorder in his hand. Within a few minutes he was asking me if I felt it was right that a Strathclyde Fire & Rescue employee had racist and offensive material on his MySpace!

Instantly I bricked it. I hadn’t been on my MySpace for about 6 months. My first thought was “Uh oh. Someone’s posted something outrageous as a comment and I’ve not deleted it.”

Luckily, the reporter dispelled those thoughts instantly as he began to ramble on about the drunken horse video. During the surreal conversation I didn’t know whether to soil myself laughing or seriously question just how gutted the guy must be that this was his current assignment.

Anyway, I gave a comment along the lines of “Are you kidding me? Is this what makes news nowadays? A drunken video of me singing a football song to a horse? I was hardly burning St. George’s flags, I was having a joke with a horse! Now get out my garden.”

Fair play to the guy, he did. I instantly went about the expected “you’ll never believe what just happened…” phone calls to friends (all of whom had seen the video) and not one of them believed it was true. “It’s wind-up!” was the reaction from everyone. Still, I was advised to delete the video from MySpace on the 2% chance it was a real reporter, which I did.

At work on the Friday it transpired that someone had been phoning in and posing as the London Fire Brigade, the Pension Department and the Inland Revenue – all in attempts to get my personal details. What’s worse was someone (who remains unknown) obviously gave them my address.

On the Sunday I bought the News of the World for the first time in my life. I actually felt guilty and a little bit dirty just paying for it. But alas, I was no where to be seen within it’s pages. And so it was forgotten about. For a week. The following Sunday I hit the papers. And not even a tiny few lines like I was expecting!

Nope. Here was my light-hearted, drunken singing to a horse taking up half a page! Granted, it was just an excuse for the reporter to use as many horse puns as possible but still – I was famous! There was even a big photo of me from the day the reporter had questioned me, even although he didn’t have a camera! Something a bit dodgy there methinks!

I read the article. It was no longer a video of a drunken tube trying to get home, finding some horses and singing a football song to them. No. It was now a video of a drunken lout screaming a tirade of racist abuse at a startled nag. Funny how things can be easily manipulated and twisted to suit a journalist’s requirements.

And so Strathclyde Fire & Rescue have had to conduct an investigation – that’s understandable considering there’s a national newspaper article claiming one of their employees is a vicious racist. The fact that it’s lies will no doubt now be apparent to them after I was asked to a meeting to explain and back-up my side of events. I was even able to promise over one hundred witnesses who have seen the video if required.

Anyway, during the investigation (which hasn’t actually finished yet) I’ve been on suspension with full pay. I believe that’s about three weeks now, with it just having been extended by a further week. Nothing left to do but spend the days watching daytime television, playing X-Box, mucking about on the net, and awaiting the next letter in the latest ongoing saga of my life! I would head out the house, but unfortunately I have to be available to go to work at any possible minute within my normal working hours!

Just another story for the biography if I ever become famous!

Well, don’t get me wrong – if you’ve ever wandered across my profile on Bebo or happened to chance upon my MySpace profile you’ll know that I have posted blogs in the past. Granted, none of them were particularly good or interesting but still.

I thought it was about time I got myself a proper wee blog. A right wee snazzy effort. And I’m quite pleased with what I’ve seen so far. Of course, a blog is more about the content rather than the appearance so we’ll see how things pan out from here…

I’m not exactly short of things to write about so hopefully it can take up any spare time I have as well as entertaining anyone who has the misfortune to stumble across it.

Saor Alba & Carpe Diem,

Jay