What do you get if you cross a video of me singing a daft drunken song to a horse, a journalist fresh out of University looking for as much exposure as possible, and a complete rag of a newspaper keen to target Strathclyde Fire & Rescue whenever they can?
The latest chapter in my life, it would appear!
Let’s assess the story so far. In June 2006 I go into Glasgow, get hammered, and then find myself with no way home. Nothing abnormal there. I manage to find a bus to get on to, but unfortunately it heads to Ballieston, not my native Blantyre.
Luckily the driver is a nice chap and takes me as close to Blantyre as he possibly can – Glasgow Zoo (or at least where it used to be). And so, at 4am in the morning, I decide I have no other option but to walk home.
In my absinthe and vodka induced state I decide another humorous drunken video may be in the making, and so the journey begins on camera. A few opening lines about where I am, how drunk I am, and how I intend to get home are followed by me approaching some horses in a field and pleaded with them not to bite me.
A few moments later I decide to venture across the field – a short cut home. Of course, I have to stop for some banter with the horses first. And so begins the singing. You see, as a big Scotland fan and with England playing their first World Cup game the next day (against Paraguay) I, naturally, wanted England to get trounced. No, not racism, not xenophobia – simple football rivalry.
“We f*cking hate England!” was the song of choice. Unfortunately the horse didn’t appear to know the words. After that, the video was over. I put my phone back in my pocket and spent the next two hours walking home. It was only the next day that I remembered the video and showed it to a few friends.
“Haha, you’re melted!”, “That’s hilarious!”, “You’re a jake!”, and “Put that on MySpace!” were pretty much the comments received. And so I did. I uploaded the video to MySpace and forgot about it for about 18 months.
Fast forward to the end of October 2007, Halloween in fact. Myself, dressed as Old Gregg from the Mighty Boosh, and Ted, dressed as nothing of particular note, head to the Halloween Allnighter. Good night had by all. Got home about 7am and went to bed, with the Thursday morning off work (planned ahead you see!) and no need to be in til after lunch.
So I make it to work, do my few hours and head home. Only upon my return to the house I find some dodgy looking guy in a suit with half a tub of Brylcreem in his hair and a tape recorder in his hand. Within a few minutes he was asking me if I felt it was right that a Strathclyde Fire & Rescue employee had racist and offensive material on his MySpace!
Instantly I bricked it. I hadn’t been on my MySpace for about 6 months. My first thought was “Uh oh. Someone’s posted something outrageous as a comment and I’ve not deleted it.”
Luckily, the reporter dispelled those thoughts instantly as he began to ramble on about the drunken horse video. During the surreal conversation I didn’t know whether to soil myself laughing or seriously question just how gutted the guy must be that this was his current assignment.
Anyway, I gave a comment along the lines of “Are you kidding me? Is this what makes news nowadays? A drunken video of me singing a football song to a horse? I was hardly burning St. George’s flags, I was having a joke with a horse! Now get out my garden.”
Fair play to the guy, he did. I instantly went about the expected “you’ll never believe what just happened…” phone calls to friends (all of whom had seen the video) and not one of them believed it was true. “It’s wind-up!” was the reaction from everyone. Still, I was advised to delete the video from MySpace on the 2% chance it was a real reporter, which I did.
At work on the Friday it transpired that someone had been phoning in and posing as the London Fire Brigade, the Pension Department and the Inland Revenue – all in attempts to get my personal details. What’s worse was someone (who remains unknown) obviously gave them my address.
On the Sunday I bought the News of the World for the first time in my life. I actually felt guilty and a little bit dirty just paying for it. But alas, I was no where to be seen within it’s pages. And so it was forgotten about. For a week. The following Sunday I hit the papers. And not even a tiny few lines like I was expecting!
Nope. Here was my light-hearted, drunken singing to a horse taking up half a page! Granted, it was just an excuse for the reporter to use as many horse puns as possible but still – I was famous! There was even a big photo of me from the day the reporter had questioned me, even although he didn’t have a camera! Something a bit dodgy there methinks!
I read the article. It was no longer a video of a drunken tube trying to get home, finding some horses and singing a football song to them. No. It was now a video of a drunken lout screaming a tirade of racist abuse at a startled nag. Funny how things can be easily manipulated and twisted to suit a journalist’s requirements.
And so Strathclyde Fire & Rescue have had to conduct an investigation – that’s understandable considering there’s a national newspaper article claiming one of their employees is a vicious racist. The fact that it’s lies will no doubt now be apparent to them after I was asked to a meeting to explain and back-up my side of events. I was even able to promise over one hundred witnesses who have seen the video if required.
Anyway, during the investigation (which hasn’t actually finished yet) I’ve been on suspension with full pay. I believe that’s about three weeks now, with it just having been extended by a further week. Nothing left to do but spend the days watching daytime television, playing X-Box, mucking about on the net, and awaiting the next letter in the latest ongoing saga of my life! I would head out the house, but unfortunately I have to be available to go to work at any possible minute within my normal working hours!
Just another story for the biography if I ever become famous!
